Our Menu Options Have Changed

Psalm 64:1 Hear me O God, as I voice my complaint.

Sometimes I would rather put up with a broken or incorrect product than have to make the dreaded customer service call. In an informal survey, nine out of ten people reported the need for post traumatic stress treatment after a customer service encounter. Besides the waiting, there’s the Top 40 Elevator Hits that you hum along to out of boredom. Brain surgeons have described the difficulties of removing the Muzac version of REO Speedwagon once lodged in the brain during customer service calls.

A customer service representative is trained to be pleasant while delivering bad news.  Unfortunately, we will not refund your money, as you missed the deadline by one tenth of a second.  But don’t worry — just for calling today, we are going to charge an additional 10 percent whining fee to your credit card.  In fact, we’ve nominated you caller of the year.  Have a super-duper day!!  Click.

Of course, this is nothing compared to an automated customer service call, which is the company’s way of saying, “We couldn’t even pay people to listen to your whining.  Please speak to the VOICE, whom we have trained to mess with you until you forget your complaint and hang up in frustration.”

VOICE:  Please state your ten digit phone number or enter the numbers on your key pad, followed by the pound sign.

Paranoid that you will not remember to press pound after ten whole digits, you decide to state your number instead. 

VOICE:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Please state that again.

You say the numbers again, only this time with a slight edge to your voice. 

VOICE:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Please state that again.

Her voice starts to sound maniacal.  Your pulse is racing and sweat beads form on your brow.  This time you YELL the numbers in irritation, and you enunciate as though even your pet monkey would be able to decipher the code.

VOICE:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Please state that again.

Switching tactics, you decide to enter the digits on the key pad.  You pound each number sarcastically, as if to say, “Can. you. hear. me. NOW?”

VOICE:  You did not hit the pound sign.  Please enter your ten digit phone number again, followed by the pound sign.

And that’s when your  cell phone ends up in your neighbor’s swimming pool.                        

While I was recently making such a call, our kids could barely tolerate waiting for such a long  time while I was on the phone. Since their collective patience is shorter than the lifespan of a fruit fly, they seem to enjoy the fact that they can pray to God whenever they feel like it and not be put on hold.   

What’s amazing is that God takes complaints from us without using customer service representatives.  What if when we wanted to talk to God, we had to go through THE VOICE?

Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed…

For whining and complaining, press 1. Due to excessive call volume for this option, your estimated waiting time is one month. 

For personal requests, press 2.  Estimated wait is 2 weeks.

To leave a message of praise and thankfulness, press 3.  No one is on hold; your call will be put through immediately. 

This is how you know God is love. Since the beginning of time, He has only had one menu option.  Whether you have a complaint, a request, or a praise, you simply call Him, and He’ll take your call directly and immediately. He listens patiently and answers lovingly. And yes, your call is very important to Him.



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