Jesus Picks the Top 12 With Ryan Seacrest

For those of you concerned about world domination, the day has come.  Ryan Seacrest has officially taken over the world.  What we thought was just an innocuous gig on American Idol has spawned into a myriad of radio and television shows,  movie cameos, hosting jobs, and even commercials for Scope featuring his Cheshire grin.  His voice is everywhere; with future technology it will probably be pumped into our living rooms, Big Brother style. Or maybe dentists will implant a molar microchip that will stream his radio show into our heads.  His picture is plastered on billboards, in magazines, and just the other day I thought I saw him looking over my shoulder in the mirror.

He has already taken over Casey Kasem, Rick Dees, Dick Clark, and let’s be honest — Simon Cowell. It’s just a matter of time before he surreptitiously rules the world.  Is anyone alarmed?  Well, no.  He’s just so adorable that everyone wants to pinch his cheeks and have him over for an afternoon snack.  And while we innocently prepare the milk and cookies, he’s scheming his next takeover. 

The ubiquitous Seacrest appears to have been around since the beginning of time.  It’s rather suspicious that many of the ideas used on American Idol seem to have been taken from The Bible. 

Matthew 25:31-33

When the Son of Man comes in his glory…all the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another…

He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

After contestants on Idol receive their fate, they must either head to the stools on the right or the left, depending on the outcome.  Oh, that’s original.

There’s even a week of trial and tribulation so great that it’s referred to as “Hell Week.”  Where did they steal that from?

Matthew 24:21

For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now — and never to be equaled again.

There’s the building of suspense that Seacrest uses to hook people to watch the results show.  The idea that no one, not even the judges, can imagine the shocking elimination to come.  A technique he borrowed from the Master. 

Matthew 25:36

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the son, but only the Father.

But the most blatant rip-off of all is certainly the selection of the Top 12 Idol finalists.  Jesus spent a night praying on a mountainside, and then he chose twelve of his disciples and designated them apostles.  Imagine what it would have been like if Ryan Seacrest had hosted this momentous occasion.  The dramatic back-stories of the contestants: Peter’s struggles as a fisherman, Matthew’s days as a tax collector.   The long, suspenseful walk up the mountain to discover their fate.  The announcement to the crowd that they would find out the winners…after the break.

Of course, ultimately there could only be one winner standing.  Peter made it to the finale, but Jesus was the ultimate winner.  And if you vote for him, you will win, too, in the end.  Just don’t be surprised when you get to the pearly gates and discover Ryan Seacrest waiting to announce your arrival to all the other contestants with the golden tickets.

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