Certain things are just meant to be together. Peanut butter and jelly. Kermit and Miss Piggy. Back seats and whining. I am convinced that car manufacturers actually install a device in the back seats to induce whining and route it through the surround sound system. For activation, all it takes is the pressure of about thirty pounds. Amazingly, the vehicle doesn’t even have to be moving to trigger this phenomenon. If only the imaginary brake in the passenger seat could work as well.
Nothing raises my hackles as quickly as a good whine. In fact, I didn’t even know I had hackles until I had children. I thought they were reserved for dogs and chickens, but now I know better. God designed hackles on the back of a parent’s neck so that we could know when we have reached our limit and need to come to Him for help before we implode.
God first realized the need for hackles when the children of Israel were wandering through the wilderness. At first, the trip probably seemed like an exciting adventure. But then they backed out of the driveway and for forty years the vast, barren wasteland echoed with the ancient equivalent of “Are we there yet?” and “Stop touching me!”
When the Israelites complained about the food and begged for some sort of fast food treat, God provided His children with a snack called manna, also known as “the grain of heaven” and “the bread of angels.” But were they thankful? N-o-o-o-o-o. They complained like a bunch of disappointed children on Christmas morning.
“What’s this? A wafer? Pfffff! Where’s the beef?”
Suddenly the car came to a grinding halt and God threatened to “come back there.”
18 …’The LORD heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!” Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will eat it.
19 You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days,
20 but for a whole month– until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it— because you have rejected the LORD, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?” ‘”
The threat of quail coming out of their nostrils probably brought some radio silence for a few moments.
God truly understands what a parent is going through when a child is whining and complaining. I witnessed this truth when my kids were recently sick with a cold. With this illness, my normally happy children gave birth to some sort of internal beast that made Oscar the Grouch seem downright jovial.
Maybe they didn’t have quail coming out of their nostrils, but their noses morphed into faucets of gunk that even the formidable team of Hans Brinker and the Kleenex company couldn’t plug. The level of whining reached epic proportions and raised my hackles as though hundreds of miniature soldiers were standing at attention on the back of my neck.
At one point I buried my head under my pillow and tried to squelch the toxic combination of constant nose-wiping and whining. Acting like an ostrich didn’t help, so I tried begging instead.
“God, please. I can’t deal with this. I’m going crazy. Why do they have to be sick like this? I’m so tired of wiping noses. This whining is unbearable…”
Like the sudden scrape of a needle across a vinyl record, my speech was interrupted when I got smacked in the middle of the forehead by the hand of irony.
Yes, I was whining. I must have sounded to God exactly how my children sounded to me. The angels were buying their heads under pillows. Worse, I was probably even raising their hackles.
I put up with this for forty years, remember?
I certainly did not want to be responsible for causing God’s head to implode. As I bowed my head, I suddenly remembered my wedding vows.
in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…
I had pledged these words to my husband, but what about my children? When everything was going smoothly, it was so easy to focus on my overwhelming love for them. But add a little tribulation, and I was transported back to the whining wilderness with the children of Israel.
Opening yet another box of Kleenex, I took a deep breath, gathered my little ones, and resumed my position as Royal Nose-Wiper and Whine-Taster. As I held them close to me, a painful lump formed in my throat, but I knew it wasn’t the beginning of illness. It was simply the realization that these kids are growing so quickly, and someday I will long for the Days of Whine and Noses.